these roots, they run deep, honey.

Transition.

Mon, 20 Jul 2009 22:25:01 GMT

I am moving to a new journal.

Those who I consider friends will be brought over.

Costume Update!

Tue, 12 May 2009 16:16:01 GMT

Matsumoto, Rangiku
Bleach

Homunculus : Lust
Full Metal Alchemist

Sailor Neptune
Sailor Moon Supers

CC R1 Version
Code Geass

Incomplete

Silk Specter: Original Version
The Watchmen

Incomplete

Sleeping In Flight

Mon, 11 May 2009 05:15:22 GMT

it felt
as if you pressed your palms to my chest with as much broken pressure as your
ever-trembling self could muster up. PUSH<
CRAWL INSIDE MY WINTER COAT. when panicking, it makes
only perfect sense that if i cant breathe, you wont have to. and when my eyes
close, yours will close soundly through the night. this is what you need.
its ok. i understand. this is your only way out. we
are the worst things for each other because we were the best things. i
will stop my heart to make yours start. I REMEMBER THREE
WORD LETTERS YOU LEFT IN MY POCKETS. no, please do. i understand.
I WISH TO BE YOUR CAPITAL EYES. cold
november. cold december. i wish to be your capital eyes. handheld holding
letters folding. i wish to see a simple life. this is your
only way out. a play. in 3 acts.

a play.
in 3 acts. this is your only way out.

a play.

in
3 acts.

this is your only way out.

a play. in 3 acts. this
is your only way out.

a play. in 3 acts. this
is your only way out.

a play. in 3 acts. this
is your only way out.

a play. in 3 acts. this
is your only way out
a play. in 3 acts. this
is your only way out.

a play. in 3 acts. this
is your only way out.

a play. in 3 acts. this
is your only way out.

a play. in 3 acts. this
is your only way out.

through me...

Happy Mother's Day

Mon, 11 May 2009 05:11:16 GMT

Every time I listen to this song, I think of my journey from Childhood to Motherhood -- of my mother, and now of myself.

Life as I know it.

Sun, 03 May 2009 00:32:31 GMT

Somewhere between the static of
I love you & I wish
there is magic;
real magic,
deep down into the bones of the earth,
wild as the twisting river,
old as the sycamore
magic.
And I never knew the world could
look this way,
until I walked it
with you.

The Family -

Elliot & I are fabulous. There's the odd bickering here or there, but never anything serious. I'm beginning to understand that what I have with him is this constantly growing, evolving thing. Together we planted it, and it's taken root deeper every moment that we spend with each other. All the trials we've faced have only bonded us closer, and for that I am grateful. I know it is not always the case, but I thank my will for not having given up on him when the road got the toughest. I remember nights where we didn't speak to one another, or the ones where we did and it made things worse. We've lost and gained so much together and been tested again and again. But there's no one else in the world I would rather stand beside, or greet at the end of the day when work has finished and the world is tucking in for the night. I'm lucky to have such an understanding and patient man as my partner. He's the perfect father. I hope Ethan grows up to follow in his footsteps.

Ethan turned one year on February 12th, 2009. I can't believe how fast he's growing. One minute he's crying and barely crawling, and the next he's walking and babbling nonstop. Every time I look at him I'm astounded by what a beautiful child I was blessed with. Every person who has ever met him has fallen in love with him. He's got this huge, exuberant grin, like there's too much joy for him to contain so it takes up all his face, that just makes my heart melt. We go everywhere in his little green wagon, as it's fast become his favorite, and go out at least once a day -- except when it's raining. I'm learning that he's quite a mimic, and that he's incredibly intelligent. When we go in and out of his room, he can flip the light switch on and off. He tries to play Singstar when we're all holding the mics. He knows how to use a straw, which is hilarious in and of itself. And the other day I went out onto my porch after him and watched him climb up on to a chair, stretch out his legs and just sit there. It was pretty funny. We all tend to go out there during the evenings, or for BBQ's and I guess he just absorbed that.

Shannon is... the usual. Not half as helpful as I would like her to be, but it's usually not worth an argument. I've gotten in contact with a therapist and I'm trying to wrangle her into going. It's not as successful as I thought it would be. I've dealt with slack on all sides about her staying here again, especially since she doesn't help with the bills or the housework and complains pretty constantly, but I try to take it in stride. By the summer she'll have finished her course and then we won't really have an excuse as to why she's not working and supporting herself.

Dad & Nana are enthused about my upcoming trip to Nova Scotia. I can't wait for them to meet Ethan. I try to keep in contact with them but it's hard when I'm chasing after a one year old from sun up until sun down. The time difference really doesn't help most of the time, either.

Last time I heard, Mom is in Vegas, and Andre is doing the same old things. My new nephew is in Nova Scotia with his mother, Tara, and I look foward to seeing them both when they come back in a few days. I think it would be nice for the two babies to spend some time together.

The Social Circle -

Recently mended things with Pat. It's nice to be on a good level with her again; last night we had a BBQ and she came over, which was really fun. For once I had another girl I could talk geek/D&D with, and I showed her all the different pictures Aranthi's player has been drawing for us.

> Aranthi's Art Here <

I've been going out a lot more. I met quite a few people and I've taken a liking to doing StickyPics at Metrotown Mall -- evidence can be seen by the pictures here. When I'm not out with people, I have them over, sometimes for a day or two at a time. It's nice to socialize again. That and I really enjoy the two girls Shannon brought home, Amanda and Thereysa. The former is the eldest and she's just so in love with Ethan. She's very mature, and I find I enjoy her company. On her birthday the whole lot of us got a little drunk and played some Singstar and ate chinese food and cheesecake. It was awesome. In the end, I left her and her giggling sister out with Admiral Shannon to get some shut eye.

I met one of my neighbours the other day; she's a woman with a six month old little girl, named Kim. We're trying to organize some walks together with the babies and a BBQ or two. Apparently her husband is a fanatic with the grill, which is fine with me, since in my Father's notorious words: "Everything tastes better on the BBQ." It's just nice to have met another Mom my age, and to have her right across the street is awesome. Their place is really pretty, too, and they have everything from Chinchillas to a giant tank of fish. It's really cool.

In the past week or so I had to cut down a bridge that was already burning, figuratively speaking. I don't bother thinking about it because it isn't worth it anymore, but in passing I'll note it here. Sometimes I wonder what it is about me that makes me go backwards and try to hold long dead friendships together. In some cases, it pays off, and others, it's just a dysfunction connection. At least I'm healthy enough to know when to cut ties.

I'm excited about going back down to Louisiana. With Alex and I, we have a lot of differences. When I first went there, it kinda hit me like a bag of bricks to the face. A couple of times I was either disconcerted, or downright furious. But I think that now I know what to expect I'll be better equipped for it. I mean, it isn't that we didn't get along but we're in completely different head spaces unless we're talking about how creepy Merrick is, lol. Of course, the fun part is that I checked the Akon page after buying my tickets there, and noticed a certain name on the list of 'maybe' attendees. And I'm hoping for a miracle that will prevent said person from actually going with the pack of us to the convention. There are some people you meet and just dislike in every single way from the beginning, and she's definitely one of them. From the get-go we clashed like oil and water, and I'm praying she doesn't end going. I know being around her would completely ruin the trip for me.

Tonight is the Singstar Party for the PS3 -- compliments of El Kirko. John gets home late after his get together with his colleagues from work, and, if all goes well, I'll be able to be ready by then. I've got pick up some coolers and straighten my hair, pick out an outfit, etc and so on but I should be good to go when he gets here. Shannon, Amanda and Theryesa will all be here tonight so I'll have someone to watch over Ethan.

The Personal Front -

Wow. Where to start? I've been tanning regularly, three sessions on, two sessions off, for the past two weeks. I'm really enjoying it. It gives me a moment's reprieve from the chaos of life and it's given me a nice, dark complexion. Plus I'm getting to know the girls there and they're all super sweet.

I've been dieting, though not in your traditional sense. I can't physically afford to go without certain things, so I've decided to have five small meals throughout the day. I pair this with my acai berry pills, as I take two of them with each meal, and a system cleaner for all the built up junk. I've also been exercising, too, and I go out every day with Ethan. I'm constantly walking all over the place, and drinking tons of water. So far I've lost ten pounds, which puts me at 150. I'm still not happy with that and would like to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight of 140 before I'm done. Most of this is a permanent lifestyle change, not something evanescent as a passing diet so I can fit into a bikini, so it makes me feel good.

My vacations are coming up. May 25th - June 1st is my second trip down to Louisiana, and then the one to Nova Scotia is from June 22nd - July 7th. Which means I'll be there for my birthday. I'm totally stoked about that. I set up an event on Facebook and invited some people to it already.

Most my cosplays are finished, save for my Silk Specter -- which I have yet to put the finishing touches on. I have my Sailor Neptune done, Lust is finished, Matsumoto has been sitting at the back of my closet for ages now, CC from Code Geass is on her way to my door step, and I really wanna finish Tinkerbell but I have a feeling I'm being unrealistic. Either way, my ball gown turned out to be a wedding gown, lol.

I start at Payless Shoes on Monday, which is fab. I can't wait to start making a pay check of my own. But that means, unfortunately, that I have to eliminate my super late nights. Which kinda sucks because I like staying up with certain people and getting writing done. Well, c'est la vie and all that.

The Keepside -

My plans for the Seventh Sanctum are unfolding, albiet slowly. It's difficult to maintain storylines elsewhere because I can't keep the Tavern open all the time. People expect you to be playing, not just moderating, in which case I end up multitasking and driving myself bonkers over it.

My concept with Azoth is coming to full fruition. It bites that I need Elliot to finish a lot of it, or even to progress it. Either way, it's getting there, slowly but surely.

I'm presently wading through a spontaneous storyline with Aranthi's player, which is turning out to be lots of dark fun. It's about Soren taking Aranthi back to his village/world to heal a curse that has turned her into a Drow. Along the way, so far, they've been attacked by Pirates! Yay! Swash, swash, buckle, buckle!

I have way too much work to do on the website. Gah shoot me. I haven't updated the logs in a million years, and it needs to be constantly done. Man, I need other people to help me maintain it. Elliot and I just aren't enough, given we usually have the same kind of hours and restrictions.

That's all for now!

Ja!

<3 . [ three years ] . <3

Sat, 11 Apr 2009 04:33:23 GMT

My anniversary with Elliot turned out to be amazing. Truth be told, neither one of us did much planning, but it was incredible the way it all turned out. Shannon decided to babysit for us for the night so we could make this all possible (thanks kiddo) so when she got back from her friend John's, we got our suitcases and left. After getting Elliot's hair cut (it looks awesome) we caught the sky train downtown and then took a bus to the hotel we were staying at. It was about six, but the weather was superb -- we were both in shorts and t-shirts, and it was just right. The room was on the twenty-fifth floor so the view was breath-taking; we could see the entire city, along with all the North Shore of Vancouver. So, we settled in and then explored the 'strip' for awhile in the sunset. We tried homemade ice cream from The Creamery, and then we had some dinner at this perfect restaurant that had heater panels above us so we could sit outside together, right outside of the beach. I had a bit much to drink, and then we took our desserts home with us. The jacuzzi in our room was filled up, I cracked open the ice wine, and enjoyed this sinful dessert in the bubbles. It was heavenly. The next morning we woke up and went swimming when we finally rolled out of bed. The pool was HUGE. After that we got everything together and hit Spokes (bike rental) and after some deliberation over whether or not to get the Tandem bike or not, we each got a mountain bike and biked around the Sea Wall. We saw the Arches (two giant redwoods), and took some pictures, and got back just in time for lova lova to go to work and for me to catch the skytrain home to a nice quiet house.

All in all it was the best anniversary I've ever had. <3

Huzzah!

Wed, 08 Apr 2009 02:37:17 GMT

Quick update.

I forgot to include the costumes that both Snoo and I will be wearing. Tinkerbell & Peter Pan!

That makes it : Silk Specter, Lust, Sailor Neptune and Tinkerbell!

Cha.

Watching The Heavens Burn.

Mon, 06 Apr 2009 06:12:36 GMT

a person is never as quiet or unrestrained
as they seem, as bad or as good, as vulnerable or
as strong, as sweet or as fiesty. we are
thickly layered, page lying upon page, behind
simple covers. and love-
it is not the book itself,
but the binding.
it can rip us apart or hold us together.

It's sixteen degrees right now. The sun is shining, the air is full of warmth and promise, and I'm luxuriating in the center of it all. Just enjoying the atmosphere. Everything is so alive. There are people everywhere, bright colors and shorts and big sunglasses that eat half the face. There are slushies and dresses and flowers dotting the soil. Premonitions of Summer that make my heart light with sweet anticipation.

My life is finally going in a direction that makes me happy to wake up in the morning. The majority of my money problems have been dealt with thanks to a semi-constant influx of money over the past few months. That alleviates more pressure than I could ever possibly imagined. I found a wonderful young girl who is a friend of Shannon's who basically came over and helped me with Ethan for a whole week straight -- and then offered to come over and take care of him for my anniversary, and for part of my trip coming up that I'll go into more in a moment. For the first time in a year, I'm finding relief. Even my sister is helping more lately, with less of the usual griping that follows it. This, paired with the pleasant weather, and having lots of pretty things to content myself with, on top of financial security, has put me in a great mood.

My Louisiana trip loosened a lot of stressors in my day-to-day existence. I visited a place that I only ever dreamed about for years on end, got to walk the stone streets and lay my hands on the buildings. I conquered the noose of my fears by going up in a plane four times, and forcing myself to do it even though I was deathly afraid. I made friends that I will never forget, and who made my experience unique and amazing and golden. There were some rough patches for me, mainly because I hadn't been away from home, or Ethan, for so long before, but it turned out.

Now everything is booked for two other trips. One is a return trip down to Louisiana, and subsequently Dallas, Texas, for an anime con called AKON from May 25th to June 1st, and the other is a trip back East to Nova Scotia from June 22nd to July 7th so that I can visit with my family and friends. Many of them have never even met Ethan, and I want them to. He's such an amazing little boy, even though he's so much work. I'm excited for both of these trips, but, as always, terrified to fly. I wonder how ridiculous it really is that I've been talking to a friend who teaches skydiving about me purchasing a parachute. I know it would be a one in a million chance of me crashing, but it would make me feel better to have it with me. That and he told me that he would teach me how to use it in their synthetic training place, too, which is cool.

Speaking of Ethan, he turned one year on February 12th. Presently he is standing on his own, and can walk but really doesn't seem to want to. So, he has this mini grocery cart thing with lights and sounds that he walks around with like an old dude with one of those walk aids. Elliot and I giggle at him all the time, he reminds me so much of my father it's unfit. He's learning how to put syllabels together on his own, too. That, and we started clapping for him when he does something good, so now when he turns off his light switch or eats all his dinner, he claps for himself. It's hilarious. Every day (when it's not raining cats and dogs) we go out in his wagon together for a nice long walk. I'm a little worried about his progression in other areas because he hasn't been introduced to a setting with other children his own age yet, but I think that will come as soon as things are settled and I can sign up for a program. As it is now it would be a waste with me going on two trips.

I've been approved for a job at Payless (yeah, I know, not that hard) on a part time basis, so that I can make some extra money to go to New Orleans with. I'm so hyped about getting to go again, it's this surreal idea that everything is purchased, I only have to show up and that's it.

My costume retinue for the Convention are currently as follows :

Silk Spectre (old school) from Watchmen
Homunculus Lust from Full Metal Alchemist
Sailor Neptune from Pretty Soldier Sailor Moon

.... aaaaaaaaaaaaand I might bring along Matsumoto's for good measure.

Also, I have this beautiful ball gown that was bought for me for my Coming of Age (big thing for my family) and I'm hoping that it's finished by the time I go to AKON. There's a masquerade and I'm going to be picking up another mask from New Orleans when we hit the main city. <3

I woke up with a full fledged migraine this morning, to the point where I lost sight in my left eye again. The doctors keep reassuring me that it's normal for the cause of them. I never liked the idea that something could cause me to go blind at random, but it always comes back again, so..

The Keep : The Jade Ring Quest has finally come to an end after three + gruelling weeks of dealing with Elliot's schedule. It was difficult to roleplay around it, too, but that's all past now. I'm thinking on giving Soren a break so that I can work on playing a new role since his has gotten somewhat convuluted, and since Aranthi's player is thinking of having Ara take off for some R&R, approximately around the same time, I'm up for the idea of them bailing together. Soren could take her to the village where he knows a healer that could reverse her curse. That is, if she doesn't hate him after tonight. Quiet the interesting session -- Soren and Ara banged heads, Talaith spilled the beans about Soren being an Assassin to a Paladin (always a good idea), and Auvic ended up taking off his hand in a meat grinder that Soren put him in. Never a dull moment to be sure. Really, I should make a notation never to use scare tactics on a Drow that is evidently retarded to the max.

Had a difference of opinions with a friend tonight. It saddens me that whenever we come to a point where we disagree there's usually a lot of resentment. There's nothing more that can be done about it, though, so unless it works itself out, I'm just going to leave it well enough alone for the moment.

I think I've updated enough.

Sweet dreams, Eljay World.

I am not a leader of men.

Fri, 20 Mar 2009 06:27:31 GMT

***

We held hands on the last night on earth. Our mouths filled with dust, we kissed in the fields under trees, screaming like lost souls, bleeding dark into the leaves. It was empty on the edge of town but we knew everyone floated along the bottom of the river. So we walked through the waste where the road curved into the sea and the shattered seasons lay, and the bitter smell of burning was on you like a memory. In our blasphemy of passion you said, "Death is a midnight runner, running on our heels." The sky had come crashing down like the news of an intimate suicide. We picked up the shards and formed them into the shapes of stars that wore like an antique wedding dress. The echos of the past broke the hearts of the unborn as the ferris wheel silently slowed to a stop in front of us. The few butterflies disappeared in hopes of a better passtime. I kissed you at the apex of the maelstrom and ask if you could accompany me in a quick fall across the moon, but you made me realize that my ticket wasn't good for two. I rode alone. You said, "The cinders are falling like snow". There is poetry in despair, and we sang with the unrivaled beauty, bitter elegy of savagery and eloquence. Of blue and grey. Strange, we ran down the desperate streets and carved out names into the flesh of the city. The sun stagnated somewhere beyond the rim of the horizon and the darkness was a mystery of curves and lines. Still, we lay under the emptiness and drifted slowly outward, and somewhere in the wilderness we found salvation scratched into the earth like a message. Just two bodies waiting for the tide to take them out again.

Fri, 20 Mar 2009 01:07:28 GMT

I imagined ashes, and us alone. Always us ~~alone~~. And I've a grenade, with our names scratched on the S I D E. But you know that's just l o v e, and love is ~~never~~ enough.

Kiss me, I'm Irish!

Thu, 19 Mar 2009 21:31:28 GMT

St. Patrick's Day was awesome!

See evidence

Amanda & I on the Gravitron, pressed against the wall by the spinning.

Ethan & I before leaving.

Des, being a retard.

Transmission Received.

Tue, 17 Mar 2009 06:55:49 GMT

I'm so frustrated.

It has occurred to me that people are retarded, unpredictable, stupid, prone to fits of irrationality at any given sporadic point in time and completely and utterly unreliable. I can understand that people in general are creatures of change, yes, I get that, but this is just frustrating. I'm making a huge life decision and a huge part of it revolves around the people I would be leaving for, to be around again, and they're so wishy washy.

Thus it is that since the only two people on the planet I can stand consistently are Elliot and John, I'm packing up to an island where the idiot fest can't follow.

God, is it so much to ask that people make fucking sense?

Also, I found out that I have a nephew, Aiden. He's ten weeks old. Andre got a DNA test done and found out it's his son. Most of the family is blown in the brain case, they don't know what to do or think, so they're mostly smoothing it over in hopes that they can act like this is a normal choice between two responsible adults. Like, maybe, my brother didn't go after Tara with a pair of scissors and threaten to kill her, so she bolted to Calgary, got with someone else when she was pregnant and now is with him here in B.C. with Andre's child. Yeeeeeeah. Dysfunction is like the battle standard for my family, which they love to wave proudly. If it ain't goin' down like an episode of Jerry Springer they wonder what's wrong.

Strangest note of the night? I found a folder of old roleplaying logs between Tor and I -- and I sent him a letter. I realized tonight that I miss him like a right lung.

Caught between whether to move back to N.S. or whether to stay here and attend Blanche McDonald in September. It's a notoriously difficult decision. The people I've been talking to have been making it notoriously hard. Sometimes I wanna be home right away. Like when I go through pictures or remember stuff. But it's not the same. I'll be in the city, Amber and Joseph will be in the country, we won't be living together, Elliot will be gone a lot for work, I have no idea where Lacey is, James has so much school it's drowning him and I doubt I would see my father much. There's a shit ton of other people I haven't mentioned yet, but really, when I think about it, can I rely on any of those people to enrich my life? Perhaps I'm better with the good memories, rather than going home and ruining them by trying to recreate them.

Besides, school would allow me to meet people more like myself. Interested in the same things I am, since we'll be going into the same field.

Things are getting better here.

Agh, too much heavy thought for one night. Time to watch Desperate Housewives.

Introspection.

Sun, 15 Mar 2009 10:17:12 GMT

I'm not perfect, but I'm trying to achieve contentment-- with myself and with others. I don't have a golden spoon in my mouth, but I've got flowers in my hands and love in my heart. And sometimes, really, that's all you need. I know by now that life will always be a roller-coaster; I'll scream when I'm at the top because I'll know I'm going down, and when I'm at the bottom I'll dream of what it was like to see everything from up high again. The trick is enjoying the moments in between, the ones I never expected or wanted but that have changed me in such a deep, incalculable way that it's profoundly altered my capacity to perceive the world around me.

I'm learning, and it's slow, and it's painful, but I'm taking the road less traveled and I knew there would be a few branches to the face along the way. People aren't infallible; sometimes they let me down, other times they surprise me. I live for the moments when someone random will show up on my doorstep with a smile or in tears and say, "I just wanted to see you." I'm understanding just how empty my arms feel until they're around someone else, or how it always feels better to say something nice. I excel in the patchwork of peace I stumble upon in a cup of white peach tea in the middle of the day or the ticking instances of time before the sun rises back into the sky. The times when I've stayed up way too late, and remembered to be myself; untied my hair and let it fall down my back in soft curls, listened to songs that used to make me cry and wrote from a place deep inside of me.

I can't keep all the promises I make, but it's in breaking or making them that I realize the true measure of myself. There's a place I want to be, and I'm not there yet, but I'm walking and trying to enjoy the view along the way because I'll never see these moments again.

I'm trying to weigh the ghosts of my past against the silence of my present, and I keep coming back to the same place. That golden box of memories, it never did anything for Pandora, either. I take out the polaroids of summer nights, the long walk between my house and theirs, holding hands and writing his name in chalk on the front step of our apartment, and I lovingly run my fingers over them, trying to glean back even a modicum of that warmth. I'm afraid of glorifying, but I'm too lonely to stay in this province much longer. I feel like I'm shrinking here. The phone stays silent, and I've seen the same piece of road for the past year more than anything else. Since coming here I've lost two friends; one who wasn't really a friend at all and only came to me when all the chips were down, and one who didn't have enough care in her heart to enjoy me for who and what I am.

So here I am, staring backwards. To that little fishbowl of Canada, where all my mistakes and greatest memories were crafted. Where my best friend is waiting for me, so our sons can grow up together like we always dreamed. Where I can call Joseph on a Saturday night, and bring over the entire gang to throw around the dice again. I remember, and I cry because I have never known such a loneliness in my entire life. I have always been blessed with the gift of others; the light, laughter and chaos they bring into my life, the way they change my entire world. Every time I attend a party at Trish's, I remember it. I touch it in my hands, that evanescent feeling of belonging to something bigger than just me, and then it's gone again for months at a time. It gets harder to watch John walk out the door to spend time with people I would love to see, too. To be free to have and make friends, and to enjoy them. Sometimes I sit in front of my window and I watch the world unfold...

and I think, "Why am I different?"

Fearless.

Sun, 15 Mar 2009 09:02:43 GMT

To me, fearless is not the absence of fear.
It's not being completely unafraid.
To me, fearless is having fears.
Fearless is having doubts. Lots of them.
To me, fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death.
Fearless is falling madly in love again, even though you've been hurt before.
Fearless if walking into your freshman year of highschool at fifteen.
Fearless is getting up and fighting for what you want over and over again...
even though every time you've tried before, you've lost.
It's fearless to have faith that someday things will change.
Fearless is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you,
even though you can't breathe without them.
I think it's fearless to fall for your best friend
even though he's in love with someone else.
And when someone apologizes to you enough times
for things they'll never stop doing,
I think it's fearless to stop believing them.
It's fearless to say "you're NOT sorry", and walk away.
I think loving someone despite what people think is fearless.
I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is fearless.
Letting go is fearless. Then, moving on and being alright... that's fearless too.
But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it.
You have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after.
That's why I write these songs. Because I think love is fearless.

Facebook is a stalker.

Fri, 13 Mar 2009 05:19:17 GMT

I just realized the other day that Facebook is a creeper. Facebook knows stuff about me -stuff even my mother doesn't know - well, ok, maybe she does, but it's stuff I didn't tell Facebook and now I'm all weirded out because FB keeps suggesting things to me like it's my BFFE. For example, FB is suggesting that I get involved with a project called the improv monologue - which sounds suspiciously like the Vagina Monologues, but only because the word monologue is in the title. Anyhow, I have not called FB up and said, "Hey, I like improv. I enjoy drama." Yet, somehow FB knows. This is a bit creepy, until I realize that I belong to several groups that revolve around improv, so FB is simply stalking me.

The other suggestions that facebook makes to me on a daily basis revolve around weight loss and botox. Piss off facebook - if you have something to say, just say it.

The real concern I have, the one that really creeps me out, is facebook's intuitive understanding of my need for cheaper contact lenses. It kept telling about a site where I could order them online. It told me I could save money. It was right -I saved $70 on a six month supply of contacts. That's great. But I'm still freaked out. How does facebook even know that I wear contacts!? I never mentioned that in my demographic info. I haven't joined any groups revolving around contact lenses (and if I ever do, please shoot me, that would just be sad).

It also goads me with accusations that my friends think I'm stupid. It challenges me to prove them wrong by taking an IQ test which will also prove that I'm smarter than George Bush (there's a supreme challenge). It is currently asking me if I'm concerned about traveling in the US -which I am because I'm going to New Orleans, and it guessed that I might be the parent of a 1-5 year old. The bottom line is it knows too much. Where does it end?

The conclusion I have come to is that Facebook is a withered up creepy old stalker man who peeks in people's windows at night, gleaning information about them to use as a marketing tool the next morning in suspicious pop ups and ads. I am frightened that this social networking tool knows so much about me, yet I can' t walk away. All I can say is "Get out of my bathroom, facebook!" And I hope that the creepy old stalker man will wander off down the street to trouble some other poor unsuspecting soul with promises of the effectiveness of acai berries.

Let the rain soak down to your bones.

Wed, 04 Mar 2009 10:05:01 GMT

Snoo and I are talking again ~

All is well in the land of Des. Even though I'm sick and exhausted and everything hurts and it's raining, I have something to smile about today.

<3

Several costumes are in the process of being made now. The Peter Pan one I started first, admittedly, so it's closer to completion than my Tinkerbell one, which is much more difficult. The fabric is ridiculous to work with given that it's sequined material, and I've been trying to find a wig that would suit the pixie but I haven't yet. Anyone have a costume idea? Swing it by me. I've bought the patterns for a few now, but I'm still searching.

Aranthi has done a bunch of incredibly hilarious character arts for Seventh Sanctum. They're all chibi, but they're kick ass. I love the one with her, Delas and Soren. Also there's some done by my wife-to-be Moonie of Doll Girl and friends, lol. Check it out : http://thegoldenapple.weebly.com/fan-art-section.html .

I'm was so tired today I couldn't keep my eyes open. I ended up falling asleep twice while Ethan was crawling around in his little playard. It's terrible because whenever I'm sick and can't take care of him, I don't have any choice. I'm seperated from my family here and most of my friends (the ones I'd trust enough to put Ethan in the hands of) all work or go to school. That's reality, right? But it's just hard when I physically can't care for him. It makes me feel sad and guilty to think I'm not giving him what he needs. I guess every Mom goes through this at some point.

I'm going brain dead.

I should really sleep, like Snoo keeps telling me.

Miss July.

Sat, 28 Feb 2009 02:09:31 GMT

This month has been the chaos of change.

The seasons are switching from winter to spring, and I've ended up contracting bronchitis that led to pneumonia, and in turn Ethan caught the former. The two of us have been somewhat miserable, but we've managed to sludge through the week together just the two of us. Elliot had the past two days off so I got a minor break, which was enough for me to accumulate some strength and beat the illness back. I'm making ground. The incredible amount of sunshine and warm weather has been lending to that, which has been a definite help.

I've been doing a lot of thinking. Do I want to stay here? Is this the right place for me? I want to be somewhere that feels right. I just don't know if this is the one yet. Maybe I would be a different person if I could live in the sun year round. The cold changes me and not ever for the better. Elliot, John and I have spoken of it, interchangeably and briefly. Where would we want to go? Somewhere in Europe? New Zealand? The Carribean? Really, there's nothing to stop us. I feel no ties to the blood family I have here:I'm closer to most of the friends I have kept than to them. We are little more than strangers, really, and where that used to chafe me, I have come to a slow and gradual acceptance of that. The people of my heart are across the great land mass of Canada, and the only one I feel at a loss to live without will never leave. It's too early in the settling stage to tell whether this will be my permanent home or not -- but other places have called to me.

I'm discovering my niche in the world and becoming comfortable with it. The a-sexual period in my life where I couldn't identify myself as anything but a mother -- which, I thought, irrevocably removed me from both groups I felt akin to before -- is over. I'm remembering what it was like to enjoy myself, to love the skin I'm in. There are things I want to change to achieve my goals, and that is going to take some time, but until then I'm going to strive to be satisfied with myself. To know that things are not permanent and that I can enjoy this time with my son while I'm evolving into something I'm happier with. I plan to go back to modeling by this time next year, if not earlier.

I've stripped my writing styles down to the bare bones. I wanted to see what made it special, unique, the split star of the room. I wanted to know if I could improve it, and I can. In many more ways than I ever would have believed. Most of that knowledge comes from my verocity of consuming three series at a time. My reading skills have jumped back to a place where I can absorb different storylines all at once without allowing them to interfer with the ones I have in my head for my roleplaying setting. It is there I have truly flourished and grown.

I'm planning another trip down to New Orleans, and subsequently Dallas, for an anime convention. There were some rough spots as I recall the last time I went down, but there were a lot of good memories that have kept me smiling. I met some wonderful people that I'm really happy to have joined paths with. I'm hoping that this time around they're all there again. I owe Malcolm a hand sized bruise, come to think of it. I'll be twice as prepared monitarily for the exchange, and I'll have my Visa by the time I go which is easier by far than keeping a debit card that doesn't work. I'm going to pick up masks for people who saw mine and absolutely begged me for one, lol. I'm going to try to save enough money so that Alex, her father & I can stay in New Orleans for the night and get ridiculously trashed. It's going to be sweltering hot and I can't wait, because I'm gonna be looking awesome for it. Which means cute little dresses and tanks.

I'm also thinking of going to Nova Scotia for a visit this summer. June 30th around to the middle of July, so I'll be there for my twenty fifth birthday. I want to spend some time with my father. I never realized how much I missed him until I lowered the walls long enough to talk to him. He misses me and I can hear it in his voice. He told me the other night that he missed always having me at his back. I want to have Ethan and Seth meet, and I want to stay up all night talking to Amber and drinking until we can't remember what we were talking about. I want to go to Reflections and see how much everything has changed: I want to party there until the dawn starts coming up. I want to eat chicken burgers with James, and see how much Gemma's little Pancake has grown. I want to hold the baby that Tracey never thought she would have. I want to spend time with the girl who was raised as my sister, became my best friend, drifted and then became a mother before me. It's been years since I was face to face with Samantha. I wonder if it will be strange? There are so many people I want to spend time with. I wish I could just pick up all my favorite people and transport them to where I am.

Well, tonight is movies and KFC with John and I. Can't wait! We're gonna watch The Punisher movie, and a few others. We're hoping that Ethan actually goes to sleep.

Nympha.

Sat, 28 Feb 2009 00:18:15 GMT

Everything is moving so fast. The second skin of white has receded and the earth is new again. The sun is bright and warm after having slept all winter. In the mornings I stretch my limbs and I remember. Everything I can be when the darkness has peeled back and the world is full of golden light again. There is beauty in the understanding; in the clarity of the moment, in the price of the trials that have brought me here.

It is sacred chrysalis.

All the planted pearls are coming to fruition. The nightshade is in bloom. Wild and ambitious, they are rising beyond the wooden pens of my apathy.

I am waiting for the treasures on the horizon; glittering gold and amber promise. New wings to carry me to flight, new strength to fuel them.

I want to go somewhere where the sun never sets.

The Merman

Fri, 13 Feb 2009 03:12:01 GMT

Who would be A merman bold,
Sitting alone, Singing alone
Under the sea, With a crown of gold,
On a throne?

I would be a merman bold,
I would sit and sing the whole of the day;
I would fill the sea-halls with a voice of power;
But at night I would roam abroad and play
With the mermaids in and out of the rocks,
Dressing their hair with the white sea-flower;
And holding them back by their flowing locks
I would kiss them often under the sea,
And kiss them again till they kiss'd me
Laughingly, laughingly;
And then we would wander away, away,
To the pale-green sea-groves straight and high,
Chasing each other merrily.

There would be neither moon nor star;
But the wave would make music above us afar-
Low thunder and light in the magic night-
Neither moon nor star.
We would call aloud in the dreamy dells,
Call to each other and whoop and cry
All night, merrily, merrily.
They would pelt me with starry spangles and shells,
Laughing and clapping their hands between,
All night, merrily, merrily,
But I would throw to them back in mine
Turkis and agate and almondine;
Then leaping out upon them unseen
I would kiss them often under the sea,
And kiss them again till they kiss'd me
Laughingly, laughingly.
0, what a happy life were mine
Under the hollow-hung ocean green!
Soft are the moss-beds under the sea;
We would live merrily, merrily.

My Life's Work; My Masterpiece.

Thu, 12 Feb 2009 19:30:36 GMT

Around this time last year I was in labor.

I had no idea what was in store for me, but it was one of those things in life -- like skydiving, or falling in love -- where you close your eyes, let go of all your inhibitions and control, and just jump. Let time slow, and stop. Live in it, become it. Embrace the moment as it washes over you, understand and cherish it while it's there, and savor it as it passes on... because you know, deep down inside, that you'll never get another one like it. For the rest of my life, there will never be another day like it for me. In those hours I knew myself. I saw my true reflection in the intensity of my pain, in the kind of strength I could summon in myself. And I wasn't afraid. I remember talking, singing, whispering to him the entire journey into the world so that he knew I was there right beside him -- and when my voice gave out, I would run my hand over my stomach, remembering, knowing, promising myself that the pain was inconsequential sacrifice for the child I dreamed about.

It makes me wonder if that's the reason behind the suffering of child birth; so that we understand the magnitude of the journey we are about to embark on. That, living dangerously close to God's image, comes with a price -- creating life, regardless of how often it is done, is momentous, incredible, and a gift that only we as women have. Something that, even in the moment, we understand is something far greater than even ourselves.

I remember that once upon a time my son was an idea. A wild dream whispered about between two lovers in the dark late at night. Would he have your eyes, or mine? Dark hair or light? Would he laugh like you do, or have my strange sense of humor? The idea became a seed planted in the garden, and we watered him with the sound of our voices; with stories of passion and beauty, with Sarah Slean songs and fairy tales.

I looked at my son today, and I told him : you are a miracle.

I understand the things parents used to say around me now. How you would do anything to keep them safe and make them happy. That when you hold them for the first time, you stop living with just one heart. The sense of self you had, the you that you recognized in the mirror, changes so much more than just physically. Child birth is metamorphosis. You stop being one person, and divide your soul so that you are connected to your child always. And in return our children become our entire universe; we live, breathe, sacrifice, and would die for them in an instant. In the corner of Ethan's smile, I see heaven shining out from his face. In the sound of his laughter, I can hear every good thing I ever did in my life. I see the best parts of me, and the man I love, put together. I understand that more than any statue, rock song or photograph, I have made a beautiful impact on the world that will last for a lifetime.

My son is my legacy. My immortality. Some day when I am gone, someone will look into his face and they will say as they say now, "You look just like your mother." <3

It's been an indescribable journey together, full of ups and downs. For one year and nine months I have been closer to this child than to anyone else in the world. I've become someone I never thought I could be. And I have loved so deeply, so intensely, that it has left me in tears some nights just to gaze down into his little sleeping face and look that idea in the eye : I made you. You are my son. The power of it, the pressure, the utter beauty of that blessing, is so large that I am moved and I am humble before it.

No matter what I do in life, Ethan, you are my Everest, my Knighthood, my 'Creation of Man'.

I love you,
now, always. <3

Momma.

Touch The Sun.

Fri, 06 Feb 2009 00:15:18 GMT

I like to remember everything. As it was. Because moments by themselves aren’t enough; they’re just —they’re like photographs. They move a little, they wave, but they aren’t everything. You can look back on a moment and say ‘In that moment I was happy’ or, more often than not, ‘In that moment I was uncomfortable’ or ‘In that moment I was sad’ or ‘In that moment we were all jerks’ but you can look back on everything and you think, ‘That was good.’ Because when all the moments come together, when all the songs meet up with one another, you get something whole and complete and wonderful, people you loved and people you hated and a fondness for them you may not be able to recapture but everything you remember about them being somehow more than they really were, because that’s what remembering everything does.

Revelations.

Wed, 04 Feb 2009 01:13:56 GMT

Is my pride too fierce? Are my loyalties misplaced? Have I, somewhere along the line, developed into someone cold, hard and unyielding? Are my standards too high for others? In my efforts to protect myself and those I love, have I become this rigid fortress with barbed walls that so few understand and even less appreciate what it protects them from? At what point did I become sickened by the cruel injustices I witnessed every day around me and stand up with the proclaimation -- "I will never let you do this to me!"? I will never let a man raise a hand to me, I will never tolerate dishonesty from my friends, I will never allow another human being to walk all over me, or take advantage of me. I. won't. let. you. hurt. me. Was it a childhood full of poverty and violence, strange parents on opposite ends of the moral spectrum, or a lifetime of forging my own strength through the pain that confronted me wherever I went? Even though I claim to be unscathed by the life I've lived, sometimes I wonder if seeing some of those things ruined me, changed me into someone who tried to maintain a life, but keep everyone in it at a safe distance. Every turn there are hard ships for me -- but am I seeking them, urging myself to achieve a true, perfect state of isolation, where I'm strong enough not to truly need anyone, so that if I lose them it won't effect me? Is that why it was so easy to say goodbye to Isabelle, or maintain the silence with Amber? Have I stopped genuinely fastening myself to the relationships that I make with people to the point where it doesn't matter if they come or go to me anymore? No, I know that's not completely true. I feel the weight of the silence like a living creature perched upon my shoulders. I understand the tragedy of a broken friendship, of ugliness coming to light that never should have mattered in the first place. The entire world sweeps the unsaid things under the rug, and I never learned how.

I say what I mean, I shatter illusions that people would rather keep. I never talk behind a person's back because it is cowardly.

When did I become so unforgiving? How can I be this strange counterbalanced, chaotic person who loves people so freely like an ocean of multicolored flowers that all capture my attention, and yet keep myself from picking them? How can I envelope my son in unrestrained joy and love, when every night I go to sleep with horror stories in my mind? I can hear John's voice in the back of my head, my cousin's baby was one when it died from SIDS, no one knows what happened. Every day I check and recheck the water temperature for his bath, clean every corner of his room, make sure there's nothing unneccesary in his crib with him, and that the special mesh that goes around his crib is up so he doesn't catch his arms or legs in it. I read and research anything in his food or formula that I don't already understand. I only buy organic stuff for him, and worry every time I take him out that it's too cold, or he's not bundled up enough.

I'm sure it will pass. It ties in with the main theme of what I'm starting to understand about myself. I've just lost too many people. I understand how easy it is. And now I'm starting to become aloof. I'm distancing myself from those I can.

On the outside nothing's changed,
but the inside...
It's utter pandemonium.

How quick should I be to let something go? If I feel that someone has wounded my pride and insulted me, why on Earth would I just take the bitter pill and wash it down with noble intentions? It seems ridiculous to me! No one, in my mind, insults my home and my hospitality in one stroke without having the door slammed in their face. Yet, in all of this, I'm battling against the softer heart of my significant other who doesn't seem to comprehend pride at all. There is nothing that he can't shrug off -- it doesn't matter if the other person is making him look like an idiot, or just wants to hurt him. It infuriates me. I've worked so hard to become this stalwart mode of defense for our family, and he's taking me down brick by brick from the inside. Why can't he understand the sacrifices I've made to keep us safe? To command respect from people who would otherwise use our family as a door mat for their own selfish reasons.

Sometimes I think that I've become too hard.
But this is who I am --
and as long as the rest of the world looks at me knowing that I will never tolerate their bullshit,
an aspect which keeps me safe from it,
then this is the price I must accept.

If I lean my ear to the ground, sometimes I can hear the earth's heartbeat.

Sat, 24 Jan 2009 04:36:23 GMT

in an effort to get people to look
into each other’s eyes more,
the government has decided to allot
each person exactly one hundred
and sixty-seven words, per day.

when the phone rings, i put it
to my ear without saying hello.
in the restaurant i point
at chicken noodle soup. i am
adjusting well to the new way.

late at night, i call my long
distance lover and proudly say
i only used fifty-nine today.
i saved the rest for you.

when he doesn’t respond, i know
he’s used up all his words
so i slowly whisper i love you,
thirty-two and a third times.
after that, we just sit on the line
and listen to each other breathe.

Broadcasting from the best station : Dez-103.5!

Tue, 20 Jan 2009 22:20:35 GMT

Last night I picked up my Yoga mat (so pretty), and an exercise ball that came with a chart demonstrating all the different stretches, warm up exercises, etc, and a Yoga Relaxation/Meditation video. Everything cost me only around $42 after taxes because it's Fitness Week over at Winners Homesense! Huzzah! It was hilarious, while I was there browsing this guy comes over (employee) and starts chatting me up, he's all like, 'Let me guess which one you'd pick!' after awhile, so I laugh and gesture for him to go ahead. So, he picks the pink one with the sakura blossoms all over it, and he's like, 'THIS ONE!' So I chuckle and tell him that it's the ugliest thing I've ever seen. His face falls, and he asks me which one I would pick then. I giggle and tell him I was joking, that it's the one I was going to pick. So he says, 'Hah! I win, I guessed the right one! Can I have your number as the prize!?' So I'm dying laughing at this point, this guy is hilarious, and I'm like... 'I can give you A number, but it may turn out to be Grecos', and he smirks and says he'll settle for a name, but God when I told him it was Destiny, you wouldn't believe the enslaught of really bad lines. At least he wasn't saying them seriously. It was pretty funny, nonetheless.

This is my little exercise corner! I suspect it will grow substantially!

My gorgeous mat!

Close up!

In the next few weeks I'm going to be picking up some belt weights, a pedometer, and some other nifty things. I'm setting a goal for myself to consume the amount of water per day that you're actually supposed to. It's going to be difficult, especially with my favorite Coke Zero sitting in the fridge, but I think I can do it.

The Yoga video is about thirty minutes, and I did that today, along with a bunch of stretches and warm-ups with the exercise ball. Gods, I tried to do push ups and failed miserably. :(

Now I'm going to go make my character sheet for Elliot's new Arcana Unearthed game. It's got tons of new classes, races, prestige classes and whatnot. Then, I should probably go open up The Seventh Sanctum for all the lil Keepers to come on and generally make trouble for me and my place, lol.

I have GOT to update the site today if it kills me.

Ciao!

A friendly update from your neighbourhood Des.

Mon, 19 Jan 2009 21:19:46 GMT

I'm so happy. The sun is shining brightly here (as it did yesterday) and it's nearly ten degrees out here in Surrey. Everything is gorgeous and bathed in golden light. That's one of the things I love about my home, and all the amber wood everywhere : when the sunshine is coming in through the big picture windows, it makes my house glow.

Today I'm going out with Ethan to buy a Yoga mat. I've ordered in a pole (yes, an erotic dancer pole) and I'm waiting for it to come in. My friend has been using it as a method of exercise for two years and she's super toned, so she's going to help me learn how to do it. Totally excited! At first I wasn't too keen on the idea, but when I watched the instructive videos that she's been making, my god, it's beautiful just to watch. Besides, it's a hobby. Once I get my ass in gear and go through some of the intermediate stages of Yoga, I'm going to attempt Bikram, as well.

I can't believe Ethan is going to be turning one year old in less than a month. It's overwhelming. It feels like all this time is slipping through my fingertips so fast. Elliot and I already know what we're doing for his birthday, and what we're getting him (more or less). I wanted to get him an entire playground type deal for the back yard, with swings and a slide and everything, but Elliot thinks he's too young and wants to get him this weird inflatable house thing. o.O

I'm pleased as punch at the popularity of my tavern (on The Keep) and my website. Everything just keeps getting bigger and bigger, it's kinda wild. I've had so many excellent writers underneath one roof, it seems I can't keep up with all the logs that I should be posting up on the website. I'm hoping to get that done today after Ethan goes to sleep for the night. I'm far too busy with everything else to actually worry about it yet.

For those not in the know : www.thegoldenapple.weebly.com

It's under heavy construction.

I'm thinking about getting back into photography and modelling. I don't do much of either in the winter, except the former is taken up with my son's adorable face. :)

Had Kirk and Eddie over the night before last, it was hilarious fun. We got drunk and played Risk -- I stomped all over Eddie, and then in a moment of guilty conscience, was stomped over in return. Bastard!

And now..

Lunch!